I suppose it is the most helpless that I have ever felt,

sitting in the doctor’s office,

stunned and for once, unable to dictate the course of my future.

The doctors predicted that our odds of having children together would be

slim to none.

Feeling stunned and unable took me by surprise because I had been an achiever for most of my life.  I had sifted through tough stuff and stared impossible straight in the face.  I worked hard to get things done.  Only this time, there was nothing I could do

except

sit in my bathroom with legs thrown over the side of our jetted tub and drape my Bible over my lap.  Realizing my limitations, I surrendered my dream of having children.   I asked God to speak something {anything} into my seemingly insurmountable situation.  As I watched the water swirl around in the tub, all the moving parts seemed to still and bring me back to God and His Word.

I stared expectantly at the text in my Bible until a story leapt off the page and drew me in.  One that can be found in the 32nd and 33rd chapters of the book of Jeremiah.  A story about barren land, bad soil.  Jeremiah must have known this when God came to him and told him to purchase it.  It would have never made sense to count the money, sign and seal the deed, but Jeremiah did it.   He knew that the LORD’s vision for that land far exceeded his own.  After he signed and sealed the deed, he placed it deep into the soil in an earthen vessel, just as the LORD had asked.  That deed would serve to mark a time when hope did not make sense.  Despite the land’s lack of fertility, God asked him to bury it deep.

He asked him to bury it deep.

 

“and this is what the Lord says: ‘You say about this place, “It is a desolate waste, without people or animals.” Yet in the towns of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem that are deserted, inhabited by neither people nor animals, there will be heard once more  the sounds of joy and gladness…the voices of those who bring thank offerings to the house of the Lord, saying,

“Give thanks to the Lord Almighty,
for the Lord is good;
His love endures forever.”… (Jeremiah 33:10-11 NIV)

That story in Jeremiah, that hope that God recorded in Scripture, did not take away my concern for everyday things… finances, insurance claims, the medical protocol and routine exams.  That hope did not change the frustration we felt when the doctors tried with all their might to trick my reproductive system into making a batch of eggs with each in-vitro cycle, and my body failed to respond.  It did not take away the sting when the nurses who were measuring and charting the development of multiple eggs inside of me, talked about the possibility of canceling one of the in-vitro cycles.  Nor did it remove the sorrow of losing numerous babies, nor the anger and confusion we felt when we realized that my immune system was rejecting the embryos that had been implanted back into my body.

There was not an abundance of anything…at all.

Despite the losses and the frustration, I remembered the story that God had told me through His Word.  I did not believe it was possible in my situation, but still I prayed:

“God, press Your desires on my heart so that when it is time to make decisions, I will know.  I ask that You would align me with Your plans so that, in return, I would live the fulfilling life You have intended.  Today, I praise You for this small space because it is how I know that You truly are my Defender, and today I know the sincerity of my surrender.  You are a God that holds my deepest needs and knows my intimate wishes. You are the One I long to see at the end of this season.”

I made note of my desire to have children and I dropped that piece of paper down into a wooden box.  My “God” box.  I surrendered my dream of having children.

 

I buried it deep,

and covered it with prayer.

you can hop on over here or here to finish reading this piece.  i know you will be blessed by the creative words, pictures and hand-written graphics that all point to the founder’s message…that we are made in Christ’s image (MICI)!