my world has seemed a bit flat lately, numbness in parts of me that used to be passionate and bold

and it bothers me.

apathy.

but, it is one of the ways that the body and the mind shield itself from feeling too much of any one thing at once.

when my father passed away 26 days after an out-of-the-blue stage 4 cancer diagnosis, i felt too much at once.

laid on the floor in my closet and wailed, heaved, trembled on the floor. inconsolable.

a part of me died too, and slowly…very slowly… I am awakening to see exactly who this new me is shaping up to be

quieter, finding strength in prayer. unwavering, unceasing prayer.

wanting to be more and more aligned to His will, and not fall short of it.

 

today i was reminded of what it was that moved me at the core,

sitting in a er room, waiting for my mother to get her turn to be tested for a set of recent dizzy spells.

the man across from me sat upright in his chair, waiting his turn, too…

until he slowly dropped out of his seat and onto his knees, hands grasped behind his neck

tucked in a tight ball, he shook and trembled in pain on the floor and the staff were called.

i could not sit in my chair. i am not a nurse and have no way to help..

despite my inability to remedy the pain, compassion pulled me up and moved me to his side. the man next to him who had come with him was unsure what i might do, and i wasn’t sure either.

i laid my hand on his shaking calf and began petitioning for him.

God…you tell us to call to You and You will tell us unsearchable things that we do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:3.) we need an answer here. a diagnosis.

a cure. a real life, living LORD to rescue us from the trembling state we are in. move us closer to you so that we can be healed.”

are you with him?

one of the care members asked.

no. i do not know him.

and the man who had brought him in responded….

i brought him here, but she is with him in another way.

(i take such delight in knowing that God allows me to be a small part of His bigger plan)

they stretched him out carefully and rolled him back as tears rolled down my cheeks.

 

what does it take to bring a man… a big, strong man to his knees?

what kind of pain makes us tremble, and if the world were to see it would they be so moved that they would reach out their hands and petition for us?

God is moved by what makes us tremble.

He pierces the hearts of those that want to listen, and He sends others to our side to petition on our behalf

and He promises us, He will lead us out.

 

He is our father when we lose ours.

He is our healer when we need some relief.

He knows where we are and where we hurt, and He wants to be our deliverer!

 

i am so grateful for those who have petitioned on my behalf.

they have watched God slowly lift me out of my brokenness and deliver me to a deeper, more surrendered place.

 

my deliverer

despite the numbness that still remains in my life, i still believe in a God of deliverance.

and when i see the pain in others’ lives

i feel everything but apathy.