it was my second round of in vitro. the maximum amount of hormone inducing medication injected into bruised muscle.
trying to start our own family was a commitment that involved driving 45-minutes every other day for blood work and sonograms, and following a strict schedule of medications that were prominently placed on the front of the fridge.
i made my way in and scooted onto the table in a private room so they could view and measure the developing eggs.
and although the young technicians were surrounded by hopeful women who were facing the challenges of infertility, they did not know the depth of despair one feels when things don’t go well.
as they looked on the screen for my developing eggs sacs, one said to the other
we may have to cancel the cycle.
despite extreme efforts, the results were hardly impressive.
when they gave me the most, i produced the least.
my body failed me.
it was a discouraging, difficult appointment.
as i sunk down in my car seat so glad to be alone,
i began to talk to the LORD, in private.
the rubber had met the road.
oh, Jesus. do you know how it feels to produce fewer eggs than i had last time, despite the increase in medication?to lay on the table and be talked about as if there was nothing in me that could produce something beautiful?Jesus, do you know how discouraged i am…how much i need you today to speak to my fragile, wilted heart?oh Jesus, only You will do.
i had one thing to do on the way home. pick up more medication at the pharmacy.
i did not want to go in. talk to anyone. see a soul.
so i pulled through the drive through window. no one came.
i parked my car and slithered through the aisles until i made my way up to the counter.
pick up for Eastin…Jennifer.oh yes, let me get the pharmacist.
an older gentleman came from the back and looked at the prescription and scanned
what excellent insurance, he exclaimed.that is what God has done for me. last month it cost $5000, but this month God has given me a new insurance policy and my co-pay is only $87.00.
i suppose i surprised him, speaking of God so boldly, weaving the two together… the cost of the medicine and the coverage of my Savior. but, i have always done that with everything that in my life. never separated God from my business, or my private longings, or my greatest dreams. i have always known that He was right in the middle of it.
and his eyes teared up. he was moved.
there we stood at the counter
in the center of the supernatural plan of a great big God.
he pulled his emotions together and cleared his throat before he began…
you know, i was at church last night and the preacher spoke something directly to me. and now, i feel like it might be a message meant for you.
my eyes widened.
the miracle has already happened. we just can’t get our mind around it….yet.
it was all i could do to sign the receipt, complete the transaction.i ran straight to the bathroom and sat down on the cold, hard toilet seat.
my face cupped in my hands. i wept, uncontrollably. overwhelmed by a God that loved me that much.
God is pierced by what pierces us. He is moved to the point of revelation in certain situations, on HARD days.
Yes, my LORD cannot stand it when i cannot stand it and so he stepped right up to the counter and spoke to me.
it didn’t matter what those young gals had said about the development of my in vitro cycle. it didn’t matter how i felt. the outcome was God’s.
and He had done something in the supernatural that could not be seen in the natural, yet.
the silence in my life that day needed to be filled with encouraging words, and only God could speak them that clearly.
Four eggs were recruited from that cycle. When fertilized, one did not form correctly, two were little boys, and one was a little girl. Twin boys were implanted in my uterus, and neither survived.
while we sought a diagnosis, I moved that little girl from one facility to the next in a heavy nitrogen tank. we later found out that my body was incompatible with pregnancy, due to an immune disorder.
clare calvert was born with the help of a surrogate carrier after 6 years of silence in the bottom of a nitrogen tank in 2012.
God can create something beautiful out of the HARD in life…
it doesn’t matter what anyone has to say about it.
God still shows up, breathes life into the lifeless, covers those he loves, reveals Himself to us in the middle of HARD days. God still does.2000 years and three days ago, ordinary men buried the Savior of the world. they wrapped him in linens and anointed him with oil.
all was quiet. for three long days.
until God chose to fill the silence with shouts of great joy, give hope to those who mourned, and end the story with a great big victory.
today, the tomb is empty and the heavy stone has been removed.
if you are in the middle of uncertain circumstances, be encouraged.
God has all the power. over life. over death.
maybe the miracle has already happened in your life and you just can’t see it…yet.